hurt

So.. at one point earlier in this semester a friend of mine pointed out sin in my heart that was very hard to hear, getting the dirt in my closet exposed by the very person I least wanted to see it. I was embarassed and felt as though my dignity went out the window.

As a result a very very close friend of mine whom I thought the world of, trusted deeply (maybe a little too much) and cared a whole lot about, id say my closest guy friend, i lost. We stopped talking and were no longer sharing part of our lives with one another.

just over a month after this happened I was at a leaders time with the ministry I’m involved with for a worship night and Paul Poteat, (who is on staff at the U of M) came and shared a story with us that absolutely rocked me.

He told us about his friends’ neice who was getting married.. and on the night of her wedding, beween the ceremony and the reception, at that point, her now husband died in a car accident.

What do u do with that? All the wedding presents.. the honey-moon tickets and vacation plans.. the new house.. do u return it? everything at that point was about to start this new life. think about this for a moment…how would you feel/ handle this?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We started praying and as I thought about how much it hurt to lose my friend, whom Id only known for 6 months, I started bawling.. I thought to myself, God how do you understand and sympathize with us in this? Jesus never was romantically involved with anyone. He never had emotional connections like we do!

But then God revealed something to me..

The trinity;  God the father, the son, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit are in perfect communion in heaven. They love eachother fully and perfectly. Which we cant because we are sin-trodden, so first we dont know what thats like and second, Jesus gave up that perfect communion to be on earth, and then to DIE for us. and not only did he die for those who forsake him… lie to him, cheat on him.. He endured total separation from the one he loves (God the father) He GAVE UP his perfect loving relationship for me… ‘

He knows how I feel… and he did that for me. Jesus gave up his love for me..

would I give up the love of my life for someone who routinely hurts me? absolutely not.

God gave up his son, the love of his life for me, who continually sins against him.

WOAH

the day is bright and beautiful even in the fog

you know sometimes i wonder what it is that makes us try to find satisfaction in things we know will not fulfill us. its like this stupid expectation we scenarioize in our minds. I expect the ideal and it often throws me off. so weird.

last night i execpted the very thing the Lord very clearly told me not to pursue. I still did, and it failed me. Go figure. God always knows better, and we know better when his word says other wise. Why do we still pursue it?

lets find joy in this:

“Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” hebrews 11 something.. 3 maybe?

set your mind on eternity. its far more realistic than this world and and far more satisfying than this earth ever will be.

OSE

music makes me want to blog

this morning at caribou again.. see i told you i basically live here…

i got a cooler and a scone and started listening to the new music i downloaded for my summer project miix. (ron pope) Him and matt papa are my top picks this week. anyways in this song it says:

shes even far away at midnight and her laughter haunts my dreams// i aint never been this broken//ive got nothing left to give//now im serching for salvation as the winter closes in

it got me thinking about my devotions this morning and how even  though I got in the word yesterday morning, as i was crawling into bed last night i was feeling empty and lonely because of the disappointments from the day. I realised how  much I crave the word of God which is the very living active words of my creator. It reminded me of my need to be dependant on God all the day long, and not just when I cant figure something out or when Im hurting. Hes not a crutch.. or a cast.. God is the blood in my veins. (col 2:17)

This morning I was reading the second half of chapter 5 in the gospel of John. It talked about Jesus being made equal with the father and how God revealed his will to Jesus while Jesus walked the earth. It reminded me of how I CAN hear God’s voice and be in tune to the Holy spirit all day long as I walk through life. Im not alone and I dont have to live like I am, cuz Im not alone. Praise the Lord for his guidance. Turn to him wherever you are, whenever. Hes there and he ready to show you The Way, The Truth and The Life. (John 14:6)

Please pray for all of our hearts to be sheparded by what is truth.

 

life

so I recently set my home page on the internet to aholyexperience.com which is a great web site, (more so for moms, but photogrpahers will love it, and those who are pursuing Jesus). The reason I like it as my home page is that it plays a cycle of classical music that is great for listening to while blogging, doing homework or getting in the word.

Anyways, just went to caribou this morning for what seems like the 80th time in the last month. I pretty much know all the employees here.. I got in the word, answered and sent emails out, started studying and have been hanging out getting my mind situated on things i need to accomplish this week. But in the mean time I was reminded of the need to SET our minds DAILY on the truth. (hebrews 3:13) (Romans 8:5)

With that in mind, I have realized that I surely lost sight of what is holy and pure as I have been seeking to satisfy my flesh in the moment over the last few days. I met someone at work who was really compelling and hung out at their house until 4 in the morning the other night and although I probably shouldnt have been there alone, for that long into the night, even though nothing bad happened… the Lord totally worked through the situation. My roommates were all really hesitant to let me go and constantly were checking on me all night, but I felt the peace of God work through me.

I learn about his life and was able to speak truth to a lot of things. I dont think Ive ever been that bold with the gospel and how it has the power to change someone. I got asked questions that everybody dreams of getting asked when desiring to share who Jesus is and What he did that overflows into what the Spirit continues to do today.

Id love to share the whole story but I cant out of respect for His life and privacy but it was incredible to see the Power of God work when we are obedient to live like and talk like Jesus is thE single most important thing we live for. At one point in the night I had to stop myself from laughing out loud I was so overjoyed with what God was doing. I wanted to dance and jump around the room.

“THE HARVEST IS PLENTIFUL, YET THE LARBORERS ARE FEW”

go and be a light in the darkness. and please pray for my friend at work that he would fully embrace the gospel truth, let go of his past and run fast at our lord Jesus who is waiting for him to come home.

conviction

One of the reasons I know Jesus has changed my heart is because there is evidence of conviction. Over the last 3 years Ive had conviction about small seemingly insignificant things. Im going to tell you a few of them, as you read them i challenge you to think and process through your daily life. If the Holy Spirit has not challenged you to life a life of purity in light of the law, question if Jesus has really come into your heart and made you new.

I don’t say these things because Im trying to say Im better than anyone, I say these things because last week I was challenged to examine my heart and mind to see if I really hate sin and LOVE the Lord my God with ALL my heart, soul, mind and strength. I was asked if I hate sin purely because I dont like being broken and dont like facing the consequences of my sin or if I hate sin because I have hurt my creator. In Psalm 51:4 David says, “Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you may be justified in your words and blameless in your judgment.”

Do I think that way? I want to.. So im going to confess…

One day, as I was walking into chapel at school with a water bottol in my hand and a nature valley granola bar, I saw the auditorium door had a foot and a half by a foot and a half sign on it. You know what it read? “NO FOOD OR DRINK IN THE AUDITORIUM PLEASE” I saw this sign the fall of my junior year.. do you know how many times I’ve walked through those doors before that? Every school day since I was a freshman, I’ve never read it before. I finished my granola bar as I walked through and thought.. “Im not spilling anything.. it’s fine” But it continued to eat at me. I no longer could do it.. I either finish my drink and food before going in or put it away into my bag. I must confess I’ve broken it a number of times this fall because I didnt have a water bottol and would bring a large cup of water to chapel.. BUT I always felt really bad about it. I’ve never spilled but I still feel convicted. This morning, I wanted to treat my best friend so I told her if she got up for chapel (as a senior she doesnt have to go) that I’d go get her Caribou. Right before I sent the text I felt convicted because I knew getting it for her for chapel ment I would break the rule, and I would be encouraging her to break it as well. Neither of us spilled or made any mess this morning but as I sent the text I felt guilty, as I rode my bike to Caribou I felt guilty, as I purchased the drink I felt guilty and as I walked into chapel I felt even worse. No one knew how I felt and probably no one cares.. because Im sure the rule is in place so that things dont get spilled…But I knew and God knew…

I also broke another rule this morning, I broke a law actually. As I texted Bekah.. I was driving. I knew that was wrong as I sent it but selfishly I didn’t want to wait. I was fearful that If I waited it would be too late for her to get up and get ready for chapel. Which was actually a lie. I knew I would get back to roseville by 830 from applevalley and the “fear” was totally illogical because chapel was at 9:55 and bekah takes an hour to get up and get ready each morning.. if I had waited till 8:30 she’d still have plenty of time to get up and ready. I didnt crash.. I may have swerved a bit but I didnt hurt anyone.. Except God. I sinned against Him and severed the ties between me and Him. Jesus was able to command things like healing and the waves to calm because he had PERFECT communion with the father. He listened and acted perfectly according to God’s will because he had never severed the ties with sin. I sinned multiple times this morning by neglecting to obey.

Those are just 2 examples of many small things that probably don’t hurt anyone but myself. I want to be a light in this world, but to shine bright for Jesus, it starts with my own heart.

I love you all, hope you are doing well. thanks for reading, send me an e-mail if this encouraged you or you have any thoughts. I’d love to pray that we are effected by the small things in life, because living with integrity matters. Don’t feel weird or anything reading this. I like to know when ppl are interested even if weve never talked or havnt in a long time. I’d love to hear from you

Samm  ( dearsamm@gmail.com)