Thirty Days

I decided that when I got back from Lebanon I very much needed some regularity in my schedule to keep my sanity, help my re-entry process and find some normality in this new life I was starting back home. One of the things I decided to do was write for 30 days about different topics. I got the inspiration off of Pinterest (you can find it HERE) and wrote every night before I went to bed. Warning; I do my best writing at night, its also the most raw. This is not edited, its all the real answers I had to all of the questions. Anything in parenthesis is added for better understanding- those edits were not written the night I answered the question. Another 30 day writing option is here. You can follow my “feeling creative” board for more fun ideas here.

Here is what happened:

Day 1: What is your current relationship like? Well, I’m single. I live 1/2 across the world from the boy I have the wildest crush on. Nothing will happen for a few years, if thats even real. I swear he treats me differently than all the other girls. I swear the chemistry can be seen. My heart beat must be felt by anyone within 5 feet of me because its so loud.

and with that she feel asleep.

Day 2: Where would you like to be in 10 years? When I’m thirty-five, I’d like to have moved back to the Middle East, be fluent in Arabic and have a well established blog. I would love to be married with a few kids and maybe in or about to start seminary.  I’d love to have been to at least 10 more countries and I want to have a giving pattern of 20%

Maybe study French, maybe go to Paris, India, Thailand. Maybe skydive and cliff jump. Hopefully publish a book. **edit the next day: i want to adopt. I want to be somewhere my heart never stops breaking for the hurting.

Day 3: What are your views on drugs and alcohol? Cigarettes: no. Weed: never. Hookah: gross… why? Like I tried it, but it makes you cough and get a buzz so…no, not worth it. Pills: alright, totally guilty of using hard drugs.. Ones I HAVE legally been given but (taken) on times/occasions they were not proscribed for. Mostly cramps, still not okay. Coffee: always ok. Boys: in moderation. Alcohol: uhf. Not for me. I can’t be trusted. The buzz, tipsy, or drunk once I have one would be dangerous for me. Others, I’m fine with in moderation.

Day 4: What are your views on religion? Religion is a set of rules, a spiritual worldview, a label. Its a crutch, a reason to live, a hope that actually leads no where. Religion tells you to earn your salvation.

catholic: be good. Islam: fulfill duties. Morman: take a journey. Hindu: meditate on clarity. Buddism: find inner peace.

Its all vague. I once heard you really never see how bad you are until you try very hard to be good. And I know from trying to be good I can never do enough to prove I am capable of fulfilling a divine checklist. I’m unworthy. A journey to where is unclear, this life is full of surprises and no one takes the same path. Nothing is clear but God’s standards. And that standard was given in grace through Jesus. He is peace.

Day 5: A time when you thought about ending your own life.

X.

Day 6: Write 30 interesting facts about yourself.

1 I love glitter
2. I wish I had been more nerdy in Highschool
3. I want to go to Oxford (which is weird because I actually wrote this July 14th before I got recommended to apply to a masters program there last month)
4. I’ve had three last names
5. I’m afraid of the dark
6. I almost died of a Staff infection (in high school)
7. I’m obsessed with beats
8. I wish I played an instrument
9. I twirled baton growing up
10. I have a freak memory
11. I hate matching people
12. I like cheese chips on my P,B & J
13. I love kids more than teens
14. I like my hair black
15. I pierced my own nose
16. I run to clear my mind
17. I am an only child biologically
18. I’m afraid to like flowers
19. I think I’ll never get married
20. I love my skin color (like the tone of it)
21. I’m afraid of people a lot
22. I love watching hockey
23. I suck at video games
24. I like most movies
25. I can’t keep my own secrets
26. I’m not star struck
27. I don’t really like concerts
28. spending money on food I think is dumb
29. I sleep in sox
30. I hate when my legs touch—>skin on skin so i sleep in pants.

Day 7: Zodiac sign if you think it fits your personality. Sagittarius. I think horoscopes are silly. I’m not going to go all spiritual and say they are demonic but they definitely have old magic roots. If I see a page in a magazine about them, i’ll read it and ponder but i’ve never given it much weight.

Day 8: A moment you felt most satisfied with your life. When I was flying from Detroit to Frankfort on Monday, September 15th, 2014 I was so satisfied with how my life was because I was fulfilling a dream I’d had for a number of years. I was going to live among the unreached to be a missionary. Another time was July 5th, 2015 when I was laying at AUB beach and was given wisdom from God //and through man// that pursuing holiness is more important than chasing your dreams. When I realized this I cried knowing I would have to leave my friends for a long time but hadn’t felt that kind of peace in a long time. I was satisfied.

Day 9: How you hope your future will be like. I mean I have dreams and goals and hopes and wishes but right now I’m trying to take one day at a time. I’m trying to slowly move so I don’t stumble and fall. America is a lot to take in. Right now I’m resting, connecting and prepping for my MPD (Ministry Partner Development) season and move to West Virginia. I hope I have the things I listed on the Day 2 page. thats all.

Day 10: Discuss your first love and first kiss. Well my first kiss was at age 16- middle of my sophomore year after a snowy work day at the ice rink. His name was Garrick. (I’m omitting his last name for his privacy) during the last 30 seconds of the movie “Dick and Jane” probably one of my best kisses ever.

Love: I can’t say I’ve ever been in love but I have really liked 2 boys men.  They are both married now. I have learned a lot about love though. It’s addicting, it works best when it goes 2 ways. It’s painful at times and the biggest risk you’ll ever take. (*todays edit: there are actually 3)

Day 11: put your iPod on shuffle and post the first 10

1. Nothing Fancy-Dve Barnes
2. Hatha Ma A3lanahou- Strongholds
3. Winter Wonderland-Pitch 2
4. Fail Us Not-Vinyard Worship
5. Gaurdian Live-Worship Central
6. Live Forever-Worship Central
7. Joy-Rend collective
8. Second Chance-Rend Collective
9. Not a bad thing-JT
10. Hold on- Daniel Doss Band

Day 12: Bullet your whole day

  • woke up at 9:30
  • breakfast
  • emails on computer
  • make Texas Caviar
  • get ready
  • pack purse
  • go to church//doors locked
  • go to caribou-get coffee
  • start emails
  • cam comes
  • get lunch
  • chat
  • more emails
  • go to cub for food
  • change into running stuff
  • bring Spencer’s car back
  • run
  • make cookies,brownies, salsa and lemon bars
  • shower
  • cousins over //ping-pong
  • monday softball
  • Wild Bills (pub)
  • clean kitchen
  • journal
  • Jesus Time
  • bed

Day 13: Somewhere you’d like to move or visit. Well I am planning on moving to West Virginia next Spring and that I am excited about. I get to live in my own apartment. I get to be in a new state, at a new school and in a new city. I’m excited to learn new things and be a part of a new culture. I also really want to be back in Lebanon and thats a whole other Adventure but we’ll see where it all goes.

 Day 14: Your earliest memory. Age 2: Getting my ears pierced at burnsville mall on the opposite side of the stairs from the black elevators in the corner place of the food court. I got a treat after.

Day15: Favorite Insta-grammers.

Day 16: Views on mainstream music. I love it. I’m not one to hunt and chase stuff down. Usually when I “discover” a song on Pandora, I only find out soon after its already popular. Not ashamed. I’m no music guru, hipster fail.
Day 17: Your highs and lows of this year.

Lows:

  • I left my family
  • I felt alone on Christmas
  • I stopped talking to a close friend
  • HD’s friends died
  • Maria stopped hanging out
  • Almost missed the cruise boat in Rome
  • Fought with Cristina
  • Fought with Mam
  • “He’s going to leave” conversation
  • James bailed on Chouwene
  • Having to leave Lebanon
Highs:
  • Raising full support
  • Getting to go to the Middle East
  • Meeting Nour
  • Getting to know Sara
  • becoming friends with Andrew
  • halloween
  • j.pop
  • thanksgiving
  • emoji texts
  • Birthday
  • Friendsgiving
  • Soccer
  • Spain
  • Cruise
  • Farra7
  • Ana-Maria
  • Retreats
  • Cyprus
  • James
  • Adventuring
  • Steph
  • Praying with Brooke
  • Being liked
  • Christelle
  • Prayer nights
  • Mam visited
  • Joining staff
*one name is left out, three statements are changed slightly and one bullet point was omitted for others’  privacy. I’m really sorry this one can’t be the full raw script. 
Day 18: Your beliefs. I believe that we will someday see the sense in the madness. That we will have purpose to our grieving and our tears will be crystals on the gates of heaven.
I believe we all have a story looking to be known and loved. We want to be heard and understood.
I believe that if you hear anyones full story you’d fall in love with them.
I believe you are selfish to the core and the only good in your heart is your God-given original design made in His image. It can be redeemed by Christ’s saving work but salvation is longed for and we await the return of our King to make all things new.
Day 19: Disrespecting your parents.
Never an option.
unless Jesus says “Follow me.”
and if that means giving them up and disobeying their desire thats what it means.
There is no greater truth.

Day 20: How important you think education is.

Of utmost.
Day 21: one of your favorite shows. ARROW //———–>>

welp: arrow helps me process love triangle emotions and helps me see myself from anthers eyes. It helps me see through guys’ thoughts from the outside and how their reactions do and don’t relate. It it helps me get outside myself and of course escape real life for a bit. it helps me see others and be invested elsewhere

Day 22: How you’ve changed in the last two years.
  • I now know what i value, how to understand my personality. I’ve learned how to process my emotions and better convey them to others especially in the heat of the moment.
  • My understanding of love and pursual has grown of risk and communication.
  • My life in light of time has changed in my mind.
  •  I am more more grateful for singleness and learning to embrace it.
  • I now have a college degree have studied 4 languages and lived in 2 countries.
Day 23: 5 guys who are famous you think are attractive
  1. Stephen Amell-Arrow
  2. Colton Haynes- Arrow
  3. Zac Efron
  4. Beto Malfacini-model
  5. Theo James-Divergent
Day 24: favorite movie and what its about.
Something Borrowed. Everyone is a hot mess. Its about secrets and crushes and people pleasing and risk and love and friendship and what you value most.
its funny, thats why i love it.
& because it gives hope for when someone can see through you, when you basically want them to read your mind, sometimes they do and sometimes they won’t.
Day 25: Someone who fascinates  you and why. Mysterious people fascinate me.
The ones I can’t quite figure out. Usually its a slow process but once I’m hooked its sort of a weird compulsion like I’m sherlock Holmes; always looking for clues and piecing things together.
Perhaps desire for control, a way not to be let down, seriously disappointed.
sometimes its a particular quality, one I admire or just one I don’t possess.
Those people fascinate me. Someday I hope to marry a man who never ceases to fascinate me.

Day 26: What kind of person attracts you.

Someone who has a good smile. Someone who clearly loves Jesus and that their love for the Lord permeates their life.
Someone who is funny but not crude.
Someone who is obviously kind with others and is a good conversationalist.
Someone who challenges me in my thinking, in pursuing my goals but also someone who is encouraging.
I like adventurers and men who are patient.
I like the academics and the musicians but also the athletes. haha
smarts, soccer and sings.

Day 27: A problem that you’ve had.

Learning to manage my time.
Somehow as a type-A, Meyers Briggs J, List-making, event scheduling, planner i still have a hard time prioritizing my top 5 desires for a day, while staying healthy and being productive.
I go through some seasons of accepting I can’t do it all and others attempting and failing.
Somehow 40 hours a week of work are often the hindrance but not always.
The other difficulty is not that I can’t say no but that I don’t want to.
❤ the extrovert.

Day 28: Something that you miss.

I miss Lebanon. Thats no surprise.
I miss my routine.
I miss sharing ministry
I miss Arabic worship @ church.
I miss being able to walk everywhere
I also really miss school.
I miss research and studying. Discovering new ideas.
I miss writing papers and philosophical conversations.
I miss being challenged and leaving class with my brain hurting.
Day 29: Goals for the next 30 days.
Raise 7,000 in support
and gain 20 new contacts.
finish reading a book.
**note to the reader: didn’t accomplish any of that :/

Day 30: Your highs and lows of this month.

This last month was a really incredible time of re-entry back into America, Minnesota & family, friends & church life.
My ups were the many blessings I encountered in countless conversations about Lebanon, philosophy, theology, and the need to continue to be a learner. Life is so much better with friends who stretch us. Praise God for them.
My lows have been missing Lebanon and routine that I was used to in my schedule, familial conflict that resurfaced and feeling sad about not going back to Lebanon for a while but God has been so faithful to me.