peace like war. again

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Tonight I listened to this sermon by John Piper from Bethlehem Baptist church, he gave last sunday. Its Christmas night and I’m at my parents house packing up for the national conference He’ll be speaking at in TN for 4,000-5,000 college kids across the US.

This sermon got me thinking about what it means for me right now to go low. Piper said that we need to use our rank to go low. That’s what Jesus modeled. His rank was magnified in his humility of going low; especially in John chapter 13. I’m at war with myself in how to fight these temptations I face. Im stuck in what Paul seems to be describing in Romans chapter 7:15-20. I feel lost in a battle that I feel like Im not equipped to fight. Of course I have the armor of God but sometimes I dont know how to use it, I feel like poor david trying on the kings armor in the veggietale movie when He’s about to fight goliath. He decides he doesnt want it and it works out for him but I think thats not the case here. I dont want to fall away from my king, my savior but I feel helpless. I feel lost in my own emotions. So badly do I want to fight but I am stuck in my own selfishness and my own desre to plan my life out and find security in things I think will promise safety and tradition. I can accept change when I plan for it, but the unexpected scares me far more than I realized. I have to fight to keep Jesus before time in my life. I caught myself idoloizing my time, thinking its my own. Im terrified that I will waste time by not scheduling it, or forgetting something I think I need to get done.

I’m a mess and I hide it well, I hold on to things so tightly that I end up killing the very things I want to work for me. Its a battle, a fine line between life and death because so many things can bring death if held more highly than our king Jesus.

Pray and let God show you the worth in which is in a life of the patience we are called to walk in. Let God bring rest to your heart as He brings peace that is only found in midst of the war.

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