Today I feel like a failure. Not depressed but I feel like a failure in that I just dont understand how to be obedient. I know that doing the right thing is right because God’s word says it is. I know we must be patient, I know we are called to believe in what we don’t and can’t see.
I’m struggling to believe this truth. Why is faith in God’s little plan so much harder to believe than the big plan of the gospel? I think that the problem is fighting on a day to day basis.
I can say I belive in the gospel; Jesus’ life, death and ressurection for my sins because I simply don’t really belive it requires me to live a life worthy of the calling. I think I can rest in the grace of Jesus’ blood and I justify my selfish desires with my sinful nature.
I dont fight, I give up and I give in to my desires. I want things now and I dont give the Lord control because I think I can control everything myself. The longer I go without checking in with the Lord the more my heart is hardened and I get stuck in a rut that hurts me but it hurts my bridegroom even more.
I can’t see beyond today, I’m not really living for tommorrow and Im not living in light of eternity.
Papa, help me to see that eternity is worth waiting for, that earthly passions are not satisfying beyond today. That they leave you empty and broken. That they harden your heart and give you more desire to endulge in your flesh. Lord Jesus please show me the need for patience, for listening and for giving up control.
I want to please you, I want to love you and I know I cant when I’m stuck in my own impatience.