TAPS.
Thats my life, the study of God, the word of God in doodle form, beauty from God and sounds from God..
I like all of it.
& tonight I wish I could do all of it. Yesterday I spoke at the theological undergrad conference and realized how much I made it, (in my head) about me. I wasnt thrilled to hear many of the other presentations, I fiddled with my outfit and taking picture of things, I was dehydrated and had a headache most of the day, keeping me from being able to pay attention. I didnt fight very hard to ignore it.
Tonight Ive wasted time dreaming and writting about things I cant have and writting notes. I wrote someone a note 3 times.. i still havent decided to send it, they were all too self centered and conceited. It was more about me than thanking them.
I watched a few videos on youtube that werent helpful for my heart, listened to music that is sweet to my ears and sour to my heart.
Jesus is still satisfying, even when I dont feel full. I fee empty and running to things other than him does nothing.
I wish heaven was reality right now. I wish I could escape sin, my own selfishness and lack of belief and trust in Gods promises, I wish I didn’t feel responsible for the unbelievers around me with whom I fail to be bold with. I wish I didn’t feel guilty for a lot of things. I wish I could feel God’s peace all the time. Last week I had an amazing week filled with broken peace. And by that I dont mean the peace wasnt complete or that is wasn’t ful or satisfying, I dont mean that peace wasnt all that it needed to be. It was perfect because it was broken, I was broken. I was hurting from my own sin and the sin in everyone around me. I was safe though, I was safe in the gospel. Resting in the atoneing work of Christ is how I felt. Broken but made new.
This week has been hard, discontentment, Idolization, longing, desire, unfulfillment, impatience and I cant seem to see Jesus is right here next to me. He is I know He is.. in my head, but Ive distanced myself in my heart.
Papa,
You have called me your own, you have choosen me before the foundation of the world. You know all the hairs on my head, you have called me by name. You say come to me, you tell me you are the bread of life, you are the fountain of living waters.
You are near, you are good, you are able. Help my unbelief papa. I want to love you like you have loved me, I want to love me like you love me. I want to be satisfied by you and not the world, draw me to yourself papa please, I need you.
love, Samantha.
yea I have a lot of errors.. thats ok. I dont really care about being professional.. half the time thats why there are lots of errors in my blogs posts.. cuz Im too lazy to go back and read them. this is raw-unadulterated word vomit straight from the heart and mind of a twenty something, 5th year, college student.
good night blog.
Dear Samm, 