This another journal entry I wrote in highschool.. following the previous post.
“But somehow today I feel like nothing; worth nothing. This time I feel shaken, who did I think I was? Why did I feel worth millions? and why do I now feel like I don’t matter. When you worry, that fear changes you, whatever that may be. When you try to prove that your worth a value you become nothing. Worthless, you forget. Your purpose becomes pointless, because you’ve become worthless, but when you shread the fear, shake off the worry and forget the pain you remember. You believe and you play like its just you and the dream. Because being just you is the best it gets. When you are confident you can amaze people. Your worth becomes uncountable, you are not worth millions, you’re priceless.
the blog previous unpacks this idea more but In a nutshell I think I nailed this one right on the head.
We get so caught up in our worldly worth that we forget what really matters. This has been the story of my life the last few weeks. Ive gotten so caught up in the world in the past that when it finally was revealed to me I was broken beyond despair, at least it felt like it.
I was bitter and angry and hurt and confused and sin in relationships are never clean. Its far messier than we see or feel or realize most of the time. Praise God for honesty and His graceous mercy because I would be a mess without it.
Last week I decided to delete my facebook and twitter for a number of reasons but mainly to purge myself from the world. I can get so easily entangled in jealousy and comparison by things that are said on social media networks that I thought it may just be better to stay away. This last week has been one of falling on my knees constantly and crying out before the Lord to comfort the hurt in my heart. To replace the holes that Ive created by giving my heart to things of this world. I started to see so much more of my bitter independent attitude towards God and have cried out to be restored. I don’t want to be satisfied in the world. I want to be carried home, but while I am still one earth.
Lord Jesus, please give my a humble heart to fail publicly and to admit when I’m wrong. To ask for forgiveness from those I’ve hurt and to not be bitter against those who have hurt me. Help me to see more of you and less of me, less of this world and to find my full satisfaction in you alone.
I AM a new creation, I have been washed clean. I am no longer bound by the law of sin and death. I am a daughter of the King and I walk in purity, in righteousness and in love toward all those around me.