This another journal entry I wrote in highschool.. following the previous post.
“But somehow today I feel like nothing; worth nothing. This time I feel shaken, who did I think I was? Why did I feel worth millions? and why do I now feel like I don’t matter. When you worry, that fear changes you, whatever that may be. When you try to prove that your worth a value you become nothing. Worthless, you forget. Your purpose becomes pointless, because you’ve become worthless, but when you shread the fear, shake off the worry and forget the pain you remember. You believe and you play like its just you and the dream. Because being just you is the best it gets. When you are confident you can amaze people. Your worth becomes uncountable, you are not worth millions, you’re priceless.
the blog previous unpacks this idea more but In a nutshell I think I nailed this one right on the head.
We get so caught up in our worldly worth that we forget what really matters. This has been the story of my life the last few weeks. Ive gotten so caught up in the world in the past that when it finally was revealed to me I was broken beyond despair, at least it felt like it.
I was bitter and angry and hurt and confused and sin in relationships are never clean. Its far messier than we see or feel or realize most of the time. Praise God for honesty and His graceous mercy because I would be a mess without it.
Last week I decided to delete my facebook and twitter for a number of reasons but mainly to purge myself from the world. I can get so easily entangled in jealousy and comparison by things that are said on social media networks that I thought it may just be better to stay away. This last week has been one of falling on my knees constantly and crying out before the Lord to comfort the hurt in my heart. To replace the holes that Ive created by giving my heart to things of this world. I started to see so much more of my bitter independent attitude towards God and have cried out to be restored. I don’t want to be satisfied in the world. I want to be carried home, but while I am still one earth.
Lord Jesus, please give my a humble heart to fail publicly and to admit when I’m wrong. To ask for forgiveness from those I’ve hurt and to not be bitter against those who have hurt me. Help me to see more of you and less of me, less of this world and to find my full satisfaction in you alone.
I AM a new creation, I have been washed clean. I am no longer bound by the law of sin and death. I am a daughter of the King and I walk in purity, in righteousness and in love toward all those around me.
I wrote this sometime in highschool.. although my perspective is different now.. this remains as true as it ever was for me when I wrote it.
‘&& sometimes you just have to wonder why you are not good enough or maybe why you’re not worth it. What’s it? What do you have to be worth? Spending time with? To be able to have faith in? In what? That you wont lie? (because you will) That you wont cheat? Or maybe just able to trust? That’s time, only time can build it. That’s why in life the best things are worth waiting for. Worth; there it is again. You’re worth it for someone. Worth the time. I dont know who. But someone. I’m stuck. In the middle of a worth triangle but I have confidence in myself. I’m not 100% sure why. But I do.
Maybe because by Phillipeans 4:13 it says, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
I believe that Im gorgeous in someones eyes, Im beautiful inside and out, I’m worth it. Whatever that worth is. Whatever IT is. I’m just that.
I remember writting this after getting my heart hurt by someone, But that doesnt really matter anymore. The thing I now know is that, that someone I was talking about is King Jesus. HE desires me, I’m worth an invaluable amount to him and I know this because He DIED for me. I was worth the pain He endured. I have cheated and lied and made mistake after mistake. I’ve been manipulative and angry. I’ve screamed I hate you and sworn at people for stupid things. I’ve whored myself to the passions and pleasures of the world by forsaking my one true love. King Jesus came to this earth to save my wretched, pitiful soul. He loves me even though I’ve screwed up and He has captured my heart by pursueing it relentlessly day and night my whole life. On June 3rd, 2009 as I sat in an ice cream parlour in South Carolina late into the evening. I was talking to another girl and she asked me what I was learning at the summer project. We had been talking for a while and all the sudden I looked down and in my hands I saw my heart sitting there. You know what it looked like? It was black and rotten. It was oozing puss and syrupy looking black liquid. It had holes in it every where and it was getting all over the table. I started bawling uncontrollably because I knew that nothing I had done in my whole life was ever going to be good enough to earn my love from God or to get my way into heaven. I cried and cried and cried because I was so ashamed at how I had tried to do so many things to be right with God and impassionate myself to be on fire for the kingdom of God. I had been lying to everyone about what my heart wanted only so that I could convince myself that it was what I really wanted.
Its been almost 3 years and I still catch myself lying about similar things. I still try to control parts of my life and want to do things my own way. I learn everyday more and more what it means to surrender my heart to Jesus and give up the control I think I have. I praise the Lord I am not in control of my life and He is the one guiding me everyday to show me what it looks like to walk in the authority and power He has given us all.
Jesus died to redeem my heart, soul and mind and to draw them all to Himself. He is daily purifying me to be His choosen spotless bride. I’m thankful for all the people put in my life who have humbled themselves and confronted me with the reality of the blackness of my heart that still seeps through now and then. I’m thankful for the people who are there to listen and cry with me when Im not believing the gospel and still feel hopeless. But most of all I’m thankful for my sovereign creator who has loved me all the days of my life and has promised to continue a good work in me, in which he started long before I was born. (Phil 1:7)
Praise the Lord for his goodness.