why you? why me? why anyone? right now i just feel blah..

today was an up_down day. I was tired upon waking, awake and enticed in class, jittery for my presentation, nerves overcoming the joy I normally find in speaking and then crashed in chapel. Lunch was productive with an interview, accomplished the artical in the library before class, disatisfied with my outfit and then frustrated at the realization of forgeting my folder that contained the worksheet due in 5 minutes. Thankful that class passed by fast, looking forward to catching up with a friend who is living downtown for the urban ministry stuff junior year. Met up with kara, got taped for practice pretty quick, no lines because I was so early. Sad at being hungry still and having the desire to get coffee and a snack. Although those both sounded good, spending money on it didnt 😦  life giving none-the-less as we chatted about how the Lord is bringing revival to this campus. 🙂 Talking about how God is working in peoples lives is always really sweet. Made a few loops around campus, got a blister 😦 headed back to the car to pick up Tori (a freshman soccer player who just came off of crutchs) from the library because she just finished OT at 3. Listened to 95.3 in the car.. always good reminders and God glorifying tunes to sooth the soul. Opened my Bible and started reading 1 John 2 because that is what I decided to study this semester. A positive reinforcement of God’s grace when we screw up. Tori climbed in and we drove over to Mel Johnson. Walked in and I thoroughly enjoyed my column workshop because we got to think of new ideas. My idea is going to be the main news story 🙂 and although I’m not writting it, I get to help John (a new staff writter) because I already have some background on it.

Then I leave for practice and enjoy the time I spend with my teammates untill mentally I’m not there and start to get scolded. Coach even asked me whats up? rest of practice as fine, not super great.. played with the mens team after our practice was over which is sweet for getting better by playing with guys who can walk all over me if I’m not careful. But, as always I made an inappropriate gesture back to someone who was jokingly making fun of me..Try to break up a pointless arguement and get scolded again by a player I dont know very well.  Sad again that I’m broke, thinking about can barely pay for tuition due thursday as I climb in my car and realize I need gas and can’t pay for it because I dont even have money to pay my bill.

Shower and take the trek home thinking about homework and the conversation I have to have with my grandpa. I probably didn’t do something right while he was out of the country for two weeks. Now I’m just trying to rest in the Lord as I spend the night doing homework alone and relaxing..

I’m afraid of my grandpa, he’s passive agressive and that is almost scarier than someone who yells because I honestly have no idea what he is thinking and quite frankly the cold shoulder is something he is known for. I hope I never have to experience that.

I miss my dad. He was the mediator between the two of us. He always gave me helpful hints to deal with grandpa. I’ve only lived here for 2 months now and can’t even believe that I live here. So many things have happened this last year that I would have never expected. Family is a difficult thing to handle when you are not familiar with the person you want to have a relationship with. Personalities and beliefs I think are a huge part of how you relate to one another. I’m nervous because Grandpa never has people over, he is kind of protective and so while he was gone I had friends over and I may have moved something or put it out of place… What if he figured it out? I’m going to be in so much trouble!! What if I get kicked out? What if he creeps in all of my stuff? I had to deal with demonic activity in this house when he was gone and I’m afraid it’s going to come back with him walking through the door. I’m afraid because he is not a believer. Some friends and I prayed over the house.. Everything was fine after that but I left a christian radio station on in the house 24 hours a day. The gospel and God’s words were constantly spoken throughout the house. He shut it off when he came home.

I’m scared to be here alone sometimes. I want to live in community but I also like having a place to myself. I love having people over. I hate having to check with others if that is okay.


Because God is good, and his will for my life is perfectly planned to happen the way He wants to bring himself glory. I just forget that I’m taken care of.

thank you Jesus for things that test us. Family that challenges us to trust you and for faith in something greater than myself.

1 Comment

  1. Hi Samm….yeh, it is rather tough sometimes. I think we can all identify with tough days. Nice to have a personalized blog…try to bring in some research or at least respond to the text about the conflict, tensions,and stress. Any analysis how to lessent the stress? Remember this in light of our Christian responsibility. You are tender and are thinking about how Christ an intervene for us. That is encouraging. Thanks, Samm, for sharing your heart. Sometimes all we can do is pray. Do you have any thoughts on the way God listens to us? I think that is why the Psalms are my favorite…..God listens to our cry. Thanks.

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