do u ever walk into a friendship thinking you are going to abandon it? probably not. do you ever enjoy someone one minute and wonder why ur in a fight the next minute? yah me everyday. do we ever really begin something intending to quit half way through? probably not unless ur a puzzle starter and not a puzzle finisher. puzzles dont count because you can take them apart and put them back together. how many of you brush your teeth and dont finish? zero. how many floss and dont finish? ok maybe half. what about painting ur nails? no body stops in the middle. do u ever fight with people you dont care about? ok some do but if u dont care about your opponent, the fight probably does involve someone you care about, even if its urself.
does anyone stand in front of their spouse-to-be and recite their vows in front of their entire family and friends planning to cheat and commit adultery? I wanna say no one does. not if you stand up there and whple heartedly say the vows…
are you tempted ever? I am. I’m tempted every moment of everyday. I’m tempted to go back to bed when my alarm goes off because a half hour of sleep is more comfortable than reading my Bible. I’m tempted to complain when my older brother is using the bathroom when I wake up. I’m tempted to be angry that it snowed because I will be late to school just so I can drive safely after scrapping my car of the ice frozen to my windshield. I’m tempted to shout at the driver next to me for being inconsiderate by going the speed limit in front of me when I’m late. I’m tempted to cut off the blue honda just so I can have the one close parking spot. I’m tempted to text during chapel because the speaker doesnt look like he’ll be interesting to me today. I’m tempted to talk to my best friends sitting next to me about what happened last night. I’m tempted to grumbble that people are in the way when I want to leave chapel at the pace I want to leave at. I’m tempted to budge in line with my friends for lunch in Naz because I’m too impatience and lonely to wait. I’m tempted to make a smart remark to someone who gets angry at me in a line they don’t know exists. I’m temped to make the most of the conversation in light of myself at lunch. I’m tempted to do things all the time.
One day I slept in, I yelled at my brother, I’m grumbled to myself all the way to school about the cold, I swore at the driver for being too slow, I cut off the blue honda, it became easier to disregard the speaker who was talking about humility today. I texted and talked to my best friend instead of listening. I then moved people out of my way saying, “excuse me” louder than a normal talking voice with a sarcastic smirk. I budged in line, told the girl to read the sign outside Naz about how the line is formed when ur getting drinks inside. I asked the whole table what they thought about my game last night and continued to argue the refs calls inlight of our goals and offsides calls….
….and at the end of the day. I feel bitter, angry and more lonely than I started becasue today I didn’t die to myself. I lived for myself and am left lonelier than ever. Do you know why? Because after that.. no one cares about me. Because I cared for me more than enough. not starting my day in scripture, lead to a overflow of bitterness, anger, impatience, lack of joy, self-discipline and as the day grew longer it became more and more obvious that it was easier to think about myself. One thing leads to another.. avoid the puddles after the tide goes out, because the first puddle is fun, and the more you step in the more likely it is that you will find a puddle that isnt just a puddle, its a huge hole in the midst of a tide pool where the tide was coming in and you were too busy hopping in puddles to notice. You step in the wrong one and the waves swallow you. Its too late, you are drowning because you got lost in a wonderland of what seemed like a bunch of fun.
did you avoid the puddle this morning when that girl who doesnt love Jesus winked at you from across the room? Did you avoid the puddle when she comes to say hi the next day by touching your lower back as she comes in the classroom from behind you? Did you avoid the puddle when she sits next to you with her knees touching you? Did you avoid the puddle when she wispers in your ear while grabbing your arm? Did you avoid the puddle when she wants to talk to you at midnight while ur trying to finish a paper? did you avoid the puddle of going on a walk instead of staying in public? Did you avoid the puddle when she grabbed your hand? Did you avoid the puddle when she started texting you? Did you avoid the puddle when she huggs you with her face a little too close? Did you avoid the puddle when she finds you in your room alone last weekend? did you avoid the puddle when she gets too close?
the puddle of fun becomes a tidal wave of pain that you can’t escape. The little things are little yes, but the ocean is made up of trillions of raindrops. nothing big starts big. its always little. dont justify the little things, it only becomes an opportunity for satan to distroy the big things in your life by convincing you its not a big deal.
Dear Samm, 