Today’s forecast:

I thought my whole life that I wasn’t angry, because being angry was never acceptable. I actually get pretty angry but I’ve suppressed a lot of it. Now I’m slowly learning how to be angry and not sin.
Some People don’t understand why I don’t enjoy most sarcasm a whole lot–it’s related to my dad, you know the stuff I don’t share. Maybe instead of getting so mad at me for being sensitive they could ask why words or lack there of hurt my feelings so much.

Seems like everyone thinks I have my singleness ducks in a row–I don’t. I’m excited when people start dating or get engaged; I get mad when they say God is good because of it. What? Is God not good to me because I’m single? Does that mean he’s withholding something from me? How irritating. God is still good even if I never date anyone the rest of my life. I struggle to believe that’s true but like I said.. I’m learning.
I’m Samm.
I’ve grown a lot in accepting who I am the last 3 years and believing that I’m valuable not based on daily running more miles than the girl next door or in hoping someday I can fix the gap in my smile. I’m learning that I’m valuable not because I accomplish certain tasks or am the best at doing whatever it is that is asked of me. I’m valuable because I’m made in God’s image. I’m His, that’s it. He created and designed me the way he likes me. I’m still working through the kinks of the fall. Please give me some grace.
Also, I uhh see the world in broken pieces always in need of fixing and if you didn’t know the most fixing I see is in myself. I hate flaws, but I have a million of them and honestly the critic of myself in my own head is far worse than anything I would ever say to someone else. I’m sorry, I’m trying to help if I correct you; it’s because when I see a flaw I want to fix it. I don’t want everyone else to be drowning in the brokenness I feel trapped in. Here’s a fake picture of me edited to my liking.

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One of the rare pictures I actually like of myself, even without being edited. Instagram is the worst because it breeds comparison. Here is me feeding into the trap despite how much I hate selfies and roll my eyes at people who post them on their feeds. Another reason instagram is so dumb: it’s almost pure vanity “hey look at me and how cool my life is. Please like it, comment on it and hopefully envy it. Or I guess worst case scenario: pity me so I have some kind of attention.”

Today’s forecast: bitter

 

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